Daddy's Vagina Dangles

Bittersweet Moment

2011-03-10T10:57:00.001-08:00

This morning my son, Tanner (5), gave me a picture he drew of me and him playing catch. He was so proud and excited to give it to me. I could see by the look on his face that he was waiting for the ultimate reaction of jubilant parental praise. He got it, for the most part. You see, I couldn't get too excited or show too much emotion because I was presented with this touching gift while I was sitting on the toilet taking a shit, "crap", "deuce", "droppin the kids off at the pool" or my father's favorite "pinching a loaf". As a side note, I often wonder who is out there taking credit for coining such successful phrases and does it get them laid? I digress. The thing with kids is that they have no boundaries. They don't care what your doing or when you need to do it. They are all about the moment. Tanner's moment was now. He didn't let the strained look on my face or the stench in the air stop him from presenting me with my award for being the "Best Dad Ever". Which, when you think about it, awkwardness aside, it is awesome to have someone that feels that passionate about their relationship with you that they are willing to kick a door in and run into your arms. In the end, I would never recommend hugging another human being while in the middle of a bowel movement. But, I would recommend taking love from a child whenever you can get it. Kids eventually grow up. The awkward moments for the most part go away and then, one day long into the future, you'll find yourself sitting on the toilet wishing someone would run in and give you a hug.

Has it been that long already?

2011-03-04T13:24:00.000-08:00

A little over five years ago my wife told me she was pregnant (antibiotics, whoops!). Oddly, I never flinched. I immediately accepted the role as primary caregiver, cause "Hell, how hard could it be?" Well, safe to say, many years separated from that decision, "Holy shit, it's hard!" I never knew how selfish I was until my first child arrived. I was arrogant and high on myself as the father to my son. I was going to raise him to be the best human being this planet has ever seen. Failure, was not an option because I was prepared. Now, when I say prepared, I mean I watched my wife get bigger for nine months and then helped drive the baby home....prepared. Yes, I know a lot of other things happened in between, but quite frankly, most of it is disturbing and I have been trying to remove it from my memory. Back to being selfish. Once, my wife went back to work full time and I was left alone with this creature (yep, creature) I freaked out. I know I'm am not alone in this moment. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure 100% of the people freaked out in this moment. Well, it is 5 1/2 years later and I have learned a few things along the way. Still not enough to say I am prepared and every morning I'm still a little freaked out. It hasn't been until recently, though, that I have been able to reflect on what has happened to me over the past few years. This is due to a lack of sleep, diet , exercise, sex and extra amounts of food and alcohol mixed with the instant and ever present chaos brought on by a child , now children, in my life. I, sadly, also find myself to still be selfish. Kids need a lot of everything from day one. They need a lot of "you". Preferably 10 to 20 if you got 'em. That has always been the hardest part for me. I thought I could just instill some daily wisdom from birth and they would be like, "Thanks" and then go to sleep or play or something. Doesn't work that way. I struggle to make sacrifices for my children, but I realize that I have to and I will. I will also complain about it a lot. And hopefully, blog about it and make jokes about it. See? Selfish.

Jesus and Jerrick

2010-03-26T16:17:00.001-07:00

People jacked up on the Jesus Juice need to take it down a few notches. Not everybody needs to be on "Team Jesus". Don't be so eager with helping people find the "way". Be more like the guy who works in the cell phone kiosk at the mall. He doesn't offer everybody a phone. Even he has an "opportunity filter" on, along with a lot of cologne, hair gel and bad pick up lines. Perfect example, as soon as Michael Vick was busted he informed us that he "found" Jesus thanks to our aforementioned friends. Really? a dog killer? My nephew Jerrick had a similar journey. He also went to prison. The first time he went in guess what happened? That's right, he "found" Jesus. The second time he went to prison he "found" a way to make a grilled cheese sandwich on a lightbulb. The third time he went to prison he "found" a way to make alcohol with an orange and a toilet. Seriously, you don't need everybody.

Ronnie the Monkey and My Home Town

2010-03-26T16:13:00.000-07:00

Here is a great story from my hometown Racine, WI. On an early Thursday afternoon someone's pet monkey, named Ronnie, had escaped from his cage and was running loose throughout the city. They put out an APB, but he was no where to be found until he wandered into a corner bar and started beating the crap out of everyone in there. Believe it or not, there is actually a moral to this story and that is if you are getting drunk at a bar in the middle of the afternoon and out of nowhere a monkey comes in and opens a can of whoopass on you, it is time for you to quit drinking. I don't think a message can be sent any louder or clearer...do you?

this is bryan (friend of ronnie)

End of Year Lists

2009-12-26T16:16:00.000-08:00

As we near the end of another year everybody will start compiling their lists of "bests" and "worsts" and "deaths" etc... I have none of those, but as 2008 comes to a close I did compile one list that is not only a sign of our modern times, but a sign of my pathetic existence. My list? "How many ways can you get in contact with Bryan Erwin"

Here we go:

hotmail
google (two accounts)
yahoomail
myspace (four accounts)
facebook
youtube
break
funnyordie
mac
home address
home phone (land line. yes, i said land line, these days that needs to be clarified to some)
cell phone

16 ways to get in contact with me!!!! 16!!!!

I don't think I have 16 legitimate conversations a year! (thats gonna piss off my wife. oh, wait she doesn't read these. nevermind.)

Seriously though, I am rarely contacted by anybody other than viagara and offshore account opportunities, so why the need for all these accounts? Honestly, I have no f*king idea!

Apparently, I drank a tall glass of arrogance and I am just starting to feel the hangover. Sadly, after publicly acknowledging this situation I will do absolutely nothing about it. Instead, I will be creating a Twitter account within 24 hours of this post. I am pathetic.

this is bryan
2008's Borderline Successful Internet Star

Puppet Terrorism

2009-03-25T16:15:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I was featured on G4 in Canada for Policeman vs Fireman. After it aired they sent a copy to me for my personal records and/or to post.

A few months went by and I never recieved the package, so I inquired and here is the response I got back:

"We had some difficulties trying to Fedex the DVD through customs because we had included two of our t-shirts. They were holding it at customs until we could prove that what the shirts were made of. Once we had proved the materials, they wanted clarification on where the t-shirts were made, so they were holding the package (again) until we could get the company to fax them the information. After we finally faxed them the information, they also requested Bryan's social security number. So...we told them this was not possible and to send the package without the t-shirts. Apparently, they can't interfere with the contents of packages, so they sent it back to us."

This debacle is brought to you by our very own United States Customs. It makes sense considering all the recent T-shirt bombings we have endured. Oh wait, you mean those are just radio station prize canons shooting out those Journey T-shirts at that awkward reunion concert at the Pueblo State Fair? Sorry about that, well either way American's can still be safe knowing that we only allow the safest and highest quality thread into our country. Note to all illegal aliens and terrorists attempting to come into the United States, as long as you don't bring in any promotional t-shirts or have a U.S. Social Security number you should be fine.

All over puppets...who knew.

this is bryan

The Wife, The Boxed Wine, The Recession

2009-03-07T20:08:00.000-08:00

Tonight my wife asked to me to taste this new boxed wine she bought. You're not going to believe this but it actually tasted like BOXED WINE! WTF!? I tried to stay positive about this whole recession thing, but if I am going to be forced to scale down to boxed wine, I know now this country is in dire straits and I never thought this dire straits could be any worse than the Dire Straits from the 80's (right now, atleast one person, probably one person, is saying, "Dire Straits were awesome dickhead!" one person.) This situation needs to get fixed fast before you have a country full of people drinking Mad Dog 20/20, Boone's Farm, Zima, Shaefer, Red White and Blue and a variety of other alcholic beverages that go with domestic violence and poor dental plans. I smell the need for a Libation Bail Out. Come on America! Other than that things are pretty good.

good times,

this is bryan

Mom and Dad in LA

2009-03-03T22:11:00.000-08:00

My parents came to visit and spend some quality time with my son Tanner. While they were out I had a pitch meeting I had to go to, so I dropped Tanner off at daycare and told my parents that I would be back in a couple of hours. I hoped they would sit back, relax and enjoy some quiet time in the city of angels. Five minutes into my trip I received a call informing me my meeting was rescheduled. So, I turned around and headed home and thats when it happened. The most horrifying thought popped into my head. "What if my parents were having sex!" I know, I know. Trust me, I know, but they are vacationing in Hollywood (adjacent) and you know how people are when they are on vacation, things happen, libido strikes etc., I'll stop there. Back to the story. I get home and now comes the big moment. I began the process of making all sorts of "I'm home way earlier than expected and I don't want an awkward moment noise". I slam the car door, a lot of key jingling, walking unecessarily loud on the wood floors, coughing, a fake sneeze, groaning all of which was useless considering both are hard of hearing. My heart was racing as I made my way to the family room where I last left the elderly duo. I still had no idea what I was in in for since all I could hear was HGTV blasting at 37 decibles. Then, I heard it, that all too familiar sound my parents make. The sound of the two of them arguing. They argue a lot, but not in a bad way. They argue in that I love you very much way. The only way you argue when you've been with the same person for over sixty years. It's passion, it's the I'm with you so much that you get on my nerves for no reason arguing...it's love, true love. Like many kids, I used to get upset when my parents argued in front of me, but when I started listenening to what they were arguing about it became rather amusing. There was no substance. And once it was done they always acted like it never happened. Kind of like what I would have had to do if I did catch them having sex. Suffice to say, I like it when my parents argue.

Chris Brown News

2009-03-03T21:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Myspace/internet -

Please, Please, Please more about Chris Brown and Rhianna..Please!

I look forward to some new videos like:

Chris Brown vs Scorpion
Chris Brown vs Cat
Chris Brown vs Petrie Dish
Chris Brown vs Lotus
Chris Brown vs Chris Brown

I appreciate the fact that this has been big news. It is far more tragic when rich, famous and good looking get hurt. Not so interesting or newsworthy when regular everyday people get beat down. Unless, of course they are white trash, missing teeth and talk uneducated, then that shits hilarious!

this is bryan vs asian beetle

Vacation and Iron John

2008-07-26T16:08:00.000-07:00

My wife and I are on a trip with the kids in La Jolla for a few days. I don't call it a vacation because that would infer "relaxation." If you have kids you know what I mean. Anyway, like so many other tired and strung out parents of young children, I find myself bitching about the gig of child-rearing way more than I should. Today, however, was different. This afternoon I spent a solid ten minutes on the beach making my three month old laugh hysterically for the first time. Later, in the evening, I took my three year old out for a walk in the dark along the ocean and let him throw wet sand at me while he jumped up and down with a youthful excitement. It was then that I realized how awesome "it" is to have them. I remember calling my mom a few months after we had our first child all strung out and asking her 'Why did you do "it"?!' and she put it very simply, 'Because I loved "it".' That was all, she didn't feel the need to say more. I see now that in her own zen-like way she knew that I would figure "it" out and "it" would all make sense. After today, "it" does. I am going to go back and enjoy the rest of my vacation.

this is bryan

fyi...Iron John is a book about sensitive men.

Moral of the Story

2008-06-30T16:14:00.000-07:00

My new son was born in March. Unfortunately, he became very ill and spent his first two weeks in intensive care. It was the toughest thing I had ever been through, but thankfully, I always have humor in my life to keep things even. My good friend Patrick Keane called me to offer support and like so many before him he used the classic phrase "If there is anything I can do for you, don't hesitate to ask." So, just to entertain myself, I jokingly took him up on his offer and asked him if he would be willing to paint my house. He became uncomfortably silent and then said his goodbyes. So what is the moral to this story? Most people would quickly say that the phrase is meant for comfort in a time of crisis and not to be taken literally. Fair enough, however, I believe the true moral to this story is that "A friend in need is NOT a friend in deed." rather an asshole for trying to take advantage of a person by using pity.

Lesson Learned. Thanks Keane.

this is bryan

New Baby: Old Post

2007-12-30T16:10:00.000-08:00

My wife and I are having another accident/kid. Unlike our first, Tanner, we decided to find out the sex. We felt it would be helpful in not only prepping around the house and obtaining expensive gifts from my wife's law firm, but also with getting Tanner ready for a sibling. We learned we were having a boy after the man who does the ultrasound awkwardly traced his penis on the video screen. I didn't really care what we had, but I will say that it will be nice to get all the clothes and toys Tanner has no interest in out of storage/my office/garage. "Hand me downs and bunkbeds", that's what I thought when I saw number 2's penis. Should I feel sorry for number 2 because of all the retreads he will be inheriting? No, because I was the youngest of seven in my family and I was raised on hand me downs from my older brothers, sisters and my mom. I had to wear my mom's powder blue tennis shoes to school for a whole week after my dad could no longer keep my shoes together with a combination of wood glue, staples and bread bags. I survived. Sadly, that is all I have managed to do so far is survive, but atleast I haven't ended up in prison or anything...yet. In closing, we told Tanner that he was having a brother, not a puppy like he hoped was in mommy's belly, his response was, "Superfriends!", he loves that show. My wife asked him what he wanted to name his brother/puppy and he said without much hesitation, "Thomas the Train Toys r Us Erwin. I added the Erwin part, the rest is true. He's two.