Bittersweet Moment

This morning my son, Tanner (5), gave me a picture he drew of me and him playing catch. He was so proud and excited to give it to me. I could see by the look on his face that he was waiting for the ultimate reaction of jubilant parental praise. He got it, for the most part. You see, I couldn't get too excited or show too much emotion because I was presented with this touching gift while I was sitting on the toilet taking a shit, "crap", "deuce", "droppin the kids off at the pool" or my father's favorite "pinching a loaf". As a side note, I often wonder who is out there taking credit for coining such successful phrases and does it get them laid? I digress. The thing with kids is that they have no boundaries. They don't care what your doing or when you need to do it. They are all about the moment. Tanner's moment was now. He didn't let the strained look on my face or the stench in the air stop him from presenting me with my award for being the "Best Dad Ever". Which, when you think about it, awkwardness aside, it is awesome to have someone that feels that passionate about their relationship with you that they are willing to kick a door in and run into your arms. In the end, I would never recommend hugging another human being while in the middle of a bowel movement. But, I would recommend taking love from a child whenever you can get it. Kids eventually grow up. The awkward moments for the most part go away and then, one day long into the future, you'll find yourself sitting on the toilet wishing someone would run in and give you a hug.

Has it been that long already?

A little over five years ago my wife told me she was pregnant (antibiotics, whoops!). Oddly, I never flinched. I immediately accepted the role as primary caregiver, cause "Hell, how hard could it be?" Well, safe to say, many years separated from that decision, "Holy shit, it's hard!" I never knew how selfish I was until my first child arrived. I was arrogant and high on myself as the father to my son. I was going to raise him to be the best human being this planet has ever seen. Failure, was not an option because I was prepared. Now, when I say prepared, I mean I watched my wife get bigger for nine months and then helped drive the baby home....prepared. Yes, I know a lot of other things happened in between, but quite frankly, most of it is disturbing and I have been trying to remove it from my memory. Back to being selfish. Once, my wife went back to work full time and I was left alone with this creature (yep, creature) I freaked out. I know I'm am not alone in this moment. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure 100% of the people freaked out in this moment. Well, it is 5 1/2 years later and I have learned a few things along the way. Still not enough to say I am prepared and every morning I'm still a little freaked out. It hasn't been until recently, though, that I have been able to reflect on what has happened to me over the past few years. This is due to a lack of sleep, diet , exercise, sex and extra amounts of food and alcohol mixed with the instant and ever present chaos brought on by a child , now children, in my life. I, sadly, also find myself to still be selfish. Kids need a lot of everything from day one. They need a lot of "you". Preferably 10 to 20 if you got 'em. That has always been the hardest part for me. I thought I could just instill some daily wisdom from birth and they would be like, "Thanks" and then go to sleep or play or something. Doesn't work that way. I struggle to make sacrifices for my children, but I realize that I have to and I will. I will also complain about it a lot. And hopefully, blog about it and make jokes about it. See? Selfish.

Jesus and Jerrick

People jacked up on the Jesus Juice need to take it down a few notches. Not everybody needs to be on "Team Jesus". Don't be so eager with helping people find the "way". Be more like the guy who works in the cell phone kiosk at the mall. He doesn't offer everybody a phone. Even he has an "opportunity filter" on, along with a lot of cologne, hair gel and bad pick up lines. Perfect example, as soon as Michael Vick was busted he informed us that he "found" Jesus thanks to our aforementioned friends. Really? a dog killer? My nephew Jerrick had a similar journey. He also went to prison. The first time he went in guess what happened? That's right, he "found" Jesus. The second time he went to prison he "found" a way to make a grilled cheese sandwich on a lightbulb. The third time he went to prison he "found" a way to make alcohol with an orange and a toilet. Seriously, you don't need everybody.

Ronnie the Monkey and My Home Town

Here is a great story from my hometown Racine, WI. On an early Thursday afternoon someone's pet monkey, named Ronnie, had escaped from his cage and was running loose throughout the city. They put out an APB, but he was no where to be found until he wandered into a corner bar and started beating the crap out of everyone in there. Believe it or not, there is actually a moral to this story and that is if you are getting drunk at a bar in the middle of the afternoon and out of nowhere a monkey comes in and opens a can of whoopass on you, it is time for you to quit drinking. I don't think a message can be sent any louder or clearer...do you?

this is bryan (friend of ronnie)

End of Year Lists

As we near the end of another year everybody will start compiling their lists of "bests" and "worsts" and "deaths" etc... I have none of those, but as 2008 comes to a close I did compile one list that is not only a sign of our modern times, but a sign of my pathetic existence. My list? "How many ways can you get in contact with Bryan Erwin"

Here we go:

hotmail
google (two accounts)
yahoomail
myspace (four accounts)
facebook
youtube
break
funnyordie
mac
home address
home phone (land line. yes, i said land line, these days that needs to be clarified to some)
cell phone

16 ways to get in contact with me!!!! 16!!!!

I don't think I have 16 legitimate conversations a year! (thats gonna piss off my wife. oh, wait she doesn't read these. nevermind.)

Seriously though, I am rarely contacted by anybody other than viagara and offshore account opportunities, so why the need for all these accounts? Honestly, I have no f*king idea!

Apparently, I drank a tall glass of arrogance and I am just starting to feel the hangover. Sadly, after publicly acknowledging this situation I will do absolutely nothing about it. Instead, I will be creating a Twitter account within 24 hours of this post. I am pathetic.

this is bryan
2008's Borderline Successful Internet Star

Puppet Terrorism

A few months ago I was featured on G4 in Canada for Policeman vs Fireman. After it aired they sent a copy to me for my personal records and/or to post.

A few months went by and I never recieved the package, so I inquired and here is the response I got back:

"We had some difficulties trying to Fedex the DVD through customs because we had included two of our t-shirts. They were holding it at customs until we could prove that what the shirts were made of. Once we had proved the materials, they wanted clarification on where the t-shirts were made, so they were holding the package (again) until we could get the company to fax them the information. After we finally faxed them the information, they also requested Bryan's social security number. So...we told them this was not possible and to send the package without the t-shirts. Apparently, they can't interfere with the contents of packages, so they sent it back to us."

This debacle is brought to you by our very own United States Customs. It makes sense considering all the recent T-shirt bombings we have endured. Oh wait, you mean those are just radio station prize canons shooting out those Journey T-shirts at that awkward reunion concert at the Pueblo State Fair? Sorry about that, well either way American's can still be safe knowing that we only allow the safest and highest quality thread into our country. Note to all illegal aliens and terrorists attempting to come into the United States, as long as you don't bring in any promotional t-shirts or have a U.S. Social Security number you should be fine.

All over puppets...who knew.

this is bryan

The Wife, The Boxed Wine, The Recession

Tonight my wife asked to me to taste this new boxed wine she bought. You're not going to believe this but it actually tasted like BOXED WINE! WTF!? I tried to stay positive about this whole recession thing, but if I am going to be forced to scale down to boxed wine, I know now this country is in dire straits and I never thought this dire straits could be any worse than the Dire Straits from the 80's (right now, atleast one person, probably one person, is saying, "Dire Straits were awesome dickhead!" one person.) This situation needs to get fixed fast before you have a country full of people drinking Mad Dog 20/20, Boone's Farm, Zima, Shaefer, Red White and Blue and a variety of other alcholic beverages that go with domestic violence and poor dental plans. I smell the need for a Libation Bail Out. Come on America! Other than that things are pretty good.

good times,

this is bryan